“It’s Over!”. There’s just something about that phrase that ‘s so stingy. If you are reading this book, then you have probably just been dumped. Welcome to the club. You are now an Official dumperee. Did you see it coming? Don’t worry, I didn’t either. I was off in my fairty tale world believing a lie, thinking it would never come to this. Come to what? Being dumped.

I really didn’t see it coming. Of course, I knew that it wasn’t necessarily peaches and crème, but what relationships is, right? We had our ups and downs, possible more ups and downs. I had faith. The kind of faith that could move moutains. This would be the faith that would save our relationship. I never saw myself with anyone else. As miserable as he made me, he was the one. As miserable as we were, he was the chosen one. Of course, fate didn’t choose him..I think I did that all on my own.

So, this was a first for me, you know, getting dumped. I was always the dumper. As a younger dumper, I got some sort of gratification out of dumping people. I loved the power that came with it. I could dump whomever I wanted and would chuckle as they would wallow in their own pity. They would beg me to take them back, how pathetic they were. How pathetic I am. Now, it’s my turn., being dumped.

There is a strange sense of control that is awarded to the dumper. It’s like they get to make all the moves and call all the shots. They get to decide if the two of you are going to work it out. You are basically left out in the cold with no options but to leave because “It’s Over”. You are the one with the questions and the dumper is the only one who can answer them. But Why? Why did you dump me? What did I do? What went wrong?

If you are a careless dumper like I was, you didn’t care to give any sort of explanation. There really wasn’t any sort of explanation. You just felt like moving on. Now, I’m the one with the questions and til this day not one of them has been answered. I dig deep within myself to forumlate my own asnwers but it’s not good enough. I search for some sort of meaning and the “why”, but no luck. How dare you dump me and leave me hanging. How dare you get over me so quickly. Or did you?

No, sweetie- they didn’t get over you so quickly. See, we didn’t see it coming. While all the while, the dumpers had been planning this several months ago. They knew it was coming. They allowed themselves to become emotionally unattached and distant from us. The two of you had already really broken up, you just didn’t know it yet. Pretty unfair, right? Yeah, so life isn’t fair.

The dumpers decide way ahead of time that it’s time to end it. Of course, they usually don’t do it tastefully. They slowly start to become unaffectionate with you. This happens so gradually that before you know it, the two of you have gone weeks without sex. Usually you aren’t that concerned that there is no sex but you are so used to them begging for it and they’ve stopped. They’ve stopped begging. You ask what’s wrong? Why are we not having sex? They blame it on the prozac, saying that  it’s put a damper on the bedroom life.

They knew it wasn’t the prozac. They knew all along that it was just another step in the plan to getting rid of you. Break away slowly. This way they can basically grieve over the relationship before you are even gone. They can hold you that one last time. They can use you one last time. So, when the time comes. Bam. It’s over for them, but it’s really just getting started for you.

Getting dump has to be one of the hardest things to go through. Have you ever been dumped by someone that you didn’t like? Then after they dumped you , you wanted them even more? What is that about? What is it about rejection and us lusting after someone who we don’t even like. I didn’t even like him. I was 100% miserable with him but I lived in my own misery and it became life. Then when I got dumped, I was 100% shocked. How could he? Who does he think he is anway? Oh no, I love him. I need him. There’s nobody else like him.

Rejection plays terrible games on our minds and our souls. It allows our judgement to be clouded. It disallows us to see things for what they really are. You can easily become obsessive over the break up, wondering what and where it went wrong. You can spend the rest of your life wondering and never really move on. You may never get those questions you need answered. You may never understand why they did it.  Hell, they might not even know why they did it. It’s important that you think about each step that you take afterwards. It could really make you or break you.

The real question is “Did you really want them?”. Were you in a relationship of convienance? Were you in a relationship because it was comfortable? Did you really love them? If you were a match made in heaven, then why did things go so terribly wrong?

It’s so easy to get brain fog after being dumped. All you can remember are the great times you had together. You totally forget the time that they slapped you upside the head and called you fat. The mind is a powerful thing, but rejection is just as powerful. We pine over all the good times. We cry over all the fun memories. Did you really love them or did you just love the idea of it?

Do a little exercise for me. Get out a sheet of paper and draw one line down the middle. Put your ex’s name at the top. On one side of the paper write “bad” and on the other side write “good”. This is a really quick way to learn if you are crying over spilled milk.

Now, in the ‘good’ section, write as much as you can about your ex’s good qualities. Obviously, in the ‘bad’ section, write as much as you can about their bad qualities, flaws and hang ups. After you have done this, compare the two. Are they really worth crying over? Stick the paper up on the fridge, this will be a reminder of every time you want to cry- go look at it.

If their ‘good’ side is fuller than their ‘bad’, you are probably still upset because you think they were so right for you. Look, just because you got dumped doesn’t mean it’s completely over. Yes, I said it. I do not want to give you false hope but sometimes people make mistakes only to find out when it’s too late. But, you know in your gut whether this was a good, meaningful, healthy relationship for you. I knew it.

I knew the relationship was all wrong from the very beginning. There were red flags that I noticed but continued to ignore. I blame most of being dumped on myself because I shouldn’t have allowed myself to get in that sort of relationship, a relationship that was all wrong from start to finish. But, we can not continue to blame ourselves. So, we were all wrong for each other, so what? So, things might have gotten out of hand every now and again? We can’t go back and change the past we can only move forward and press on for the future.

I know the empty feeling you are having. I had it too. I didn’t want to eat and I couldn’t sleep. Really, nothing made me happy, I just wanted him back. As bad as he was for me, I wanted the bastard back. The funny thing is, even though I was living in my fairy tale I knew deep down I wanted to break it off. He just beat me to it and that’s what sucks the most. Sounds like a game was being played, uh? Probably. Life is full of unfair games. We’re human and that’s just how it goes.

        

How many of you have ever been involved in a "Friends w/ Benefits? situation? Is it safe to say that you are not still w/ that friend? I think a small percentage of "FWB" actually work out and go on to form a long, lasting, loving relationship. Why do you allow ourselves to fall into the FWB category? Are we so lonely that we have to go dip into the friend pool? Honestly, if they were our friends to begin with then obviously we didn't see them as 'boyfriend/girlfriend" material. Right? I mean, usually when two people meet each other it either goes two ways. If you are attracted to each other then you might pursue dating one another. If you aren't that attracted to each other and there is no chemistry then you each fall into the 'friend' category. Why do you go backwards and dig into the pool? From my own experience, if you start to get into a FWB relationship, you are possible setting yourself up for a broken heart! I would love feed back from someone who has actually made a relationship like this work. Here are a few things to think about before getting into a FWB relationship:








Fine Line: There is a fine line between being friends and having benefits. I'm sorry but you can't really be friends with someone after you've had sex with them. You are no longer friends, you are lovers. There's no going back after the deed is done. So, you must really think about it hard before you jump in head first.


No Turning Back: Like I said before, once the deed is done- that's the point of no return. How much do you cherish your friendship? It might not be worth even trying it. I know people who have been friends for years and then dipped into the pool. After it didn't work, their friendship really suffered because of it. Is it really worth it? You need to ask yourself why you want this FWB relationship? Are you lonely? Or do you really like your friend but he doesn't respect you enough to give you a relationship, just benefits?


Bond Creation: Once you have sex with someone you create an intense bond, attachment. We are human and anytime we give our bodies to another human being there is something you can never get back, you can never go back. It probably happens 99% of the time, people sleep with one another as friends and then one person ends up putting their feelings into it. There's no way to keep your feelings out of a sexual relationship; especially if you are a woman. You might end up falling head over heels for your friend when he still thinks it's just friends with benefits.



Jealousy: What started out as a simple, fun relationship might end up full of intense jealousy. Believe me, I've been there. What started out as a FWB, left me wanting more. I couldn't get more. Why? Because he stated that we were just friends but I allowed myself to get attached. I couldn't help it. It happens to the best of us. I found myself getting jealous when he would talk to other girls. What was wrong with me? I wasn't good enough? What did they have that I didn't have? See, what I'm talking about? Jealousy will come out of nowhere after the bond is created.


Respect: This is the most important in a FWB relationship. It's very hard to have respect for one another because it a way you are basically taking advantage of one another. Before it's over, someone will end up disrespecting the other one. Someone will fall head over heels for the other and will try to catch every bone that is thrown at them. They will take whatever they can get with this person. The other person usually doesn't seem to care as long as they are getting fulfilled, no matter what the cost. In order to have respect for yourself, try to refrain from even getting in these kind of relationships.








The best advice I can give about FWB relationships is to not get into one. I know it's hard but think of what it could possibly to do your friendship. Is feeding your hormones more important than keeping a good friendship? FWB usually always end badly. Try to keep your friends as friends and go look elsewhere for lovers. There's a million fish in the sea, just not your friends.

Here are some good articles to read about Friends With Benefits:

Friends with benefits, Can it work?
Friends with benefits, Booty Buddies
How To Be Friends With Benefits
Friends With Benefits

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So, he broke up with you...get over it.  Sounds harsh, right? Well, there are two things you can do:

Get over it.
Don't get over it.

You can dust your boots off and keep on trucking or you can hang on every last word until your fifty. 50? Yes, fifty. Years ago, I knew a man who got dumped by his wife. Did I mention that this was years ago? Til this very day, he talks as if it happened yesterday. It actually happened 15 years ago. 15 years? Yes, 15 years. He hasn't moved on, he hasn't remarried...he lives in his own special hell that he created for himself.

I'm not trying to be harsh but realistic. I've been there. I've had my heart ripped out of my chest and handed to me on a paper plate. He didn't even have the decency to put it on a gold platter. Bastard. The worse you can do is believe your own lies in that things will work out and he will come running back. Oh, he might be running but it won't be in your direction. He broke up with you, it's over...get over it.

Rejection hurts like hell. You are the one that gets to decide where to go from here. Do you wallow in your own misery? Do you get even? Do you spend your days sulking and trying to figure out what you did wrong? Or, do you regroup and move forward? Yes, I know it's easier said than done. Like I said, I've been there. The one thing you have going for you is time. Time is on your side and with time you will be able to look back and laugh at the fact you ever even shed one tear. You can learn from my list as you go over my list of "No No's".

No Communication
No Drop Ins
No Drive By's
No Bashing
No Obsessing
No What-If's
No Standing Still
No Reunion
No Regrets
No Fairytale



No Communication: This is a big No No! The worst thing you can do is try to get in touch with the fool. All forms of communication are a NO. No e-mail, texting, phone calls or snail mail. I know, it sucks. I know you have been sitting by the phone hoping it would ring. It hasn't, has it? That's because he doesn't want to talk to you, don't worry he didn't want to talk to me either. But, I just had to torment myself and call him and beg him for an explanation.

God, could I be any more desperate? I don't think I was even upset about losing him, it was the way he did it and the slap of rejection. Where did this come from? How could he do this? How could he not want ME? Who does he think he is anyway? Pfft, loser. Ever wonder how someone could get over you so quickly? Let me explain.

As I talked about in my earlier blog, when someone breaks up with you they have been preparing for it. By the time they actually break up with you, they are already over it. They selfishly give themselves time to emotionally disconnect from you. This is why it's so easy for them to move on afterwords because they actually moved on months ago, you just didn't know about it.

Also, no drunk dialing. This can lead to one embarrassing moment when you wake up in the morning. You need to put a sticky note on your forehead that reminds you NOT to call him. Keep a list of friends next to your phone and call one of them instead. Believe me, it will save you more heartache and pain. The longer you go without talking to him or seeing him, the quicker the pain will subside and you can move on and get over it.









No Drop Ins: What is a drop in? So, you know your X goes to work out at the YMCA every Tuesday night. Well, oh dear lord, you just 'happened' to be there the same time he was. You think he doesn't know that you planned this? It's obvious since you never work out. Yes, I know you've lost a little weight during the break up and you think you look hot and you want him to see you. Get over it. He doesn't care if you look like Jessica Alba, he's over it. This will only make you look somewhat psycho and that you are so not over it.

I know how it is. In the beginning, I wanted to run into him to. I always had my hair and make-up just perfect. Now, a year later, I am running from seeing him. If I see his truck parked in the parking lot at the grocery store, I go to another one. If you are not tied to this person b/c of children, be thankful that you can break away and be free. Some of us aren't as lucky.









No Drive Bys: Are you crazy? Ah, just kidding- we all do this. Well, only those of us that will admit it. Why is there some sort of burning desire to know what they are doing, where they are or who they are doing? Why must we taunt ourselves? Why can't we just hang it up and go on? I could have pulled Celine Dion's hair for singing, "My heart will go on", pfft yeah right.

Go ahead and be a stalker. I would love to see his face when he notices it's you with your baseball cap on riding by in your friends car. Doing a drive by is going to do nothing but hurt you. What if someone else's car is over there? You are going to start obsessing trying to figure out who is over there. It's over, you've got to get over it. Save your gas and don't do drive by's.










No Bashing- Okay, you can bash but only to the appropriate people and only to people you trust. If you are bashing the guy to his best friend, not a good idea. You know good and well his friend is going to go straight to him with it. Don't think for one second that he cares what you are saying about him. He has moved on. This only lets him know that you aren't over it and that you are bitter and resentful.

If you must bash, start journaling. If you must, cut a picture of him out and put it on the dart board and play darts. You must learn to keep the bashing to a minimum because it will eat you up and cause bitterness. The power of the mind is pretty forceful when it comes to negativity. Trash in, trash out. Try to only focus on the positive. No, you don't have to talk about what a wonderful guy he was. I don't want you to lie. You do need to talk about it and get it out but this can't go on forever. Get it out of your system and then get over it.











No Obsessing: This is going to be a normal process but you must try as hard as you can not to be obsessive about this. So many questions are going to run through your mind and you are going to want answers that you might not ever get. It stinks when you are left in the dark like this. You are left to answer the questions yourself and wonder what really went wrong. Was it something you did? Were you just too fat? Were you not intimate enough? Did you not make enough? Were you too messy? Were you too obsessive? Mmm.

You can let thoughts run through your mind 24/7 if you want. Notice I said ," If you want". This is all up to you. You can control your thought process to a certain degree. You have to be very proactive about your thoughts and what you are allowing yourself to think. Are you replaying that terrible day in your mind over and again? What is it about humans getting some sort of gratification about something that hurt so bad? When you start getting thoughts about him and the bad break up, tell yourself NO. Remind yourself that you aren't going to think about it over and over again. You must stop obsessing and there's no time like the present.












No Regrets: You can't sit there and regret the day you ever met him. Obviously, there was something you liked about him or you wouldn't have been with him. Obviously, you still care about him or you wouldn't be so upset about it. Don't continue to slap yourself in the face regretting the day you ever met him. It's time to turn a negative into a positive. He did you a favor, right? Try to look at it like that. Have you learned anything from this relationship? What would you do different in the next relationship? Instead of feelings of regret, move forward and focus on feelings of making yourself better. Use the force and get over it.



There is no such thing as a fairy tale ending. I hate to say but Cinderella set us all up for failure. So many people rush to the alter because they think the white dress and the "I do" drifts you into the fairy tale you've always wanted. Actually, the fairy tale is what I call the honey moon. Yes, it's great. It's filled with great sex, drinks on the beach, room service and sweet nothings. Well, if you can afford to live in the fairy tale forever, kudos to you. In reality, most of us stay in the honey moon stage for maybe a year.

Relationships should all come with a warning label. This is what is should read, "Warning: Takes Time, Compromise,Dedication & Communication". Relationships aren't easy and I don't think anyone ever said that they were. Disney just had a great way of making it look so dreamy and fantastic. Relationships can work but you must be able to meet one another in the middle. You must be able to communicate.

So, it's over. It's time for you to get over it. Don't let this break up consume you. If you do, before you know it you'll be 50 years old wondering what went wrong? 50? Yes, 50. You have so much to look forward to. You have your entire life. Unless you are pushing 90, then I suggest you hit on one of the hot nurses at the nursing home.

Get up, get out and get gone. Don't sit at home and cry and eat ice cream. You will be miserable and fat. Fill your calender up weeks in advance. Try to make sure that you have something to do, every hour. The busier you are the less time you have to cry and wish. It will get better but only with time. Time is on your side. Eventually, you will wonder why you ever gave him the time of day. I know I still do.

        

"It's not you, it's me". I would be lying if I said I've heard this over and again. Growing up and getting in and out of relationships, I was usually the one that threw this phrase around. What seems to be a popular phrase seems to formulate into some sort of complicated cop out. A typical response to "It's not you, it's me" is "But, why?". I mean is must have something to do with "me" or we would still be together. People take the easy avenue by pointing fingers on themselves rather in the direction they should go.

Rejection is just part of life. We all have faced some sort of rejection either at work, at school, maybe with friends and in relationships. Relationship rejection is one of the hardest kind of rejection to overcome. I'm not sure why it's the hardest, maybe because we feel attacked, our personalities, our mannerisms, our flaws,our ways.  

Feelings of rejections might stimulate questions like:

What did I do so wrong?
Am I too fat?
Am I not pretty enough?
Why don't you love me anymore?
Did I talk too much?
Do you still care about me?
Is there any way I can make this work?

When someone rejects you in a relationship you feel as if you are to be blamed. You feel like you are the cause of the end. Sometimes we never take into account that it actually might be the other person, but we can't help but wonder if we had something to do with it. Well, why all of a sudden did you stop loving me? If you've ever asked this question, I"m willing to bet they didn't just 'stop' loving you.

Usually people tend to start drifting from another person to prepare themselves for the break up, which is completely disrespectful and unfair. I use to do this as a teenager. I knew that I wanted to break it off but I would give myself about three months to get ready for it so by the time I broke up with them, I was fine to go on about my business. This probably made it even harder on the other person and probably made it hurt even worse. Why? They couldn't understand how it was so easy for me to break up with them and move on. Little did they know that I had been preparing for months.

It's somewhat deceptive and very misleading to stay in a relationship when you know you want out. It's not fair to the other person and you're selfishness and more concern about your own feelings leave the other feeling empty, insecure and full of questions. They just want to know why. But, you've been going through the process for three months that by the time you get to that day, all you can say is "It's not you, it's me".

You are already so over it that you don't even want to take the time to explain what made you decide this three months earlier. It's not fair and it's wrong. A quick way to realize how unacceptable this is, is when someone does it to you. It really puts this into perspective and allows you to learn a great lesson in how to treat people.

The fear of rejection can have serious effects on who we are and what we want to become. Where you rejected by your mother or father at an early age? Did you grow up feeling rejected? When you grow up with a fear of rejection, you tend to make choices based on that fear rather than the right choices you need to make. Have you ever stayed in a relationship that was all wrong just because you were afraid of being rejected? Did you do things you normally wouldn't do because of the fear of rejection?

Some of us do wild things just to avoid rejection but what we don't notice is that we are probably hurting worse then we would if we were rejected. Again, rejection is a part of life. The sooner you learn how to cope with it and grow from it, the better off you'll be in the long run.

We all have a choice. We all have a choice in how we decide to deal with rejection. We can harp on it and dwell on it or we can dust off our boots and move on to bigger and better things. Try not to go inward and put blame on yourself. Never put yourself down or be negative because you were rejected. Think of it as someone doing you a favor. If there are certain things you were doing wrong in the relationship, learn from it. Don't take it with you in the next relationship. Be sure to take time to get over the previous relationship and rejection before you jump into another one.

        

I have a friend who was talking to a guy, we'll call him Jack and her Jane. Jack and Jane have been talking for about a month. Jack has confessed to Jane that he has never felt this way before around a woman. You've heard this story before, right? So, she assumes that he is totally up in her kool-aid, knowing all the flavors.

They were talking Friday afternoon, they spoke about spending the entire Saturday together. Sound fun, right? He said he would call her back later that night. Well, Jack never called back. Jane just assumed that maybe he went to sleep and she was sure that he would call in the morning to make arrangements for them to spend the day together.

Jane went ahead and organized her Saturday around the fact that she was spending it with Jack. She made sure she had a babysitter for her daughter and got ready for her day. The only thing missing? Jack hasn't called. Time starts to pass and she starts to get irritated. So, around 12:30 she drives all the way out to his house and bangs on his door, "Why haven't you called me?".

Can you imagine what this guy is thinking? My first word would by psycho but because I know my friend, I know she's not. "Oh, I was just cleaning up". I'm not sure how the rest of the conversation went but needless to say, they haven't spoken to each other since.  What went wrong?


She says- I'm too old to be playing these games. I'm 30 something years old. I don't have time to be sitting here waiting on someone to call me. If say you are going to call, call.

My defense for him- Different people have different perceptions of what 'spending the day' together means. While she thought that 'spending' the day together meant getting up early and hanging out 'all' day, I assume that he thought he would do a few things around the house and then possibly give her a call after lunch and then spend the remainder of the time together.


Regardless of anything, going over to his house and knocking on his door only make her look psychotic, even though she isn't. She was just tired of waiting for him to call and exclaims that she doesn't want to play games. Guess what, though? It's not games, it's human nature.

Playing games is something that you do intentionally. Think about this. You know how you are so into someone and they are somewhat stand offish? But, as soon as you back off, they start running to you? It's psychology, it's not games. It's in our blood. We do it and don't even realize it. Humans love a challenge.

As soon as Jane started getting interested in Jack, he backed off. He should have at least had the decency to call her and let her know what was going on, but who does that? Isn't it easier to just ignore and avoid?


No matter how hard you try to get away from it, whether you are 18 or 52 there will always be some sort of push and pull game. It's seems to be some sort of human nature, to resist and then pursue and vise versa and over again. In my opinion, games are something completely different than this. Games are something someone is intentionally doing to get some sort of satisfaction. They set it up, they plan it out and they play it; it's pre-meditated. You've heard of the term 'player'.


I think it would be safe to say that a good number of people resist when someone is head over heels for them, then when they stop..we are kind of baffled and then for some reason we become more interested in them. Call it games, call it psychological glitches, call it what you want but it's just the way it goes.



Signing Off,

        

There are several things that women worry about and fear. It could be bills, being successful, finding the right man or being alone. I honestly don't think that we were made to be alone. Yes, maybe being single. Think about other cultures in other countries, a lot of the families live together: the mother, father, children, grandparents and maybe even uncles and aunts. To me, this seems to be very healthy and therapeutic. Of course, I'm sure it might possible drive someone mad but overall it's the core of a true family.

I think life might go a little smoother if you are surrounded by those or that one special person that adores you. You know, to have an awesome support system. The fact that it seems to be healthy to be surrounded by people or even one person possible fuels the fear of being alone. Coming home to an empty house can sometimes stimulate loneliness. But, this shouldn't make you jump into any sort of relationship. Surrounding yourself with family and friends can fill this void. What am I getting at? Well, I'll bore you a little with my own personal love history.

I had my first boyfriend at 15. He wasn't right for me. I didn't really even like him but I loved the feeling of not being "alone". I dated him two years too long. It was then that I started on my relationship journey. For years, I constantly stayed in relationships, jumping out of one to go to another. It wasn't until recently I had an "aha" moment and stopped. I was putting more focus and obsessiveness on my relationships than putting myself and priorities first. What could I have possibly been running from?

So, are you a relationship junkie? Are you jumping from one relationship to another? When was the last time you were single? How long were you single? These are a few questions to ask yourself. Are you afraid of being alone? Being alone might seem simple but sometimes there are other issues behind it.


                                               You Might Be Afraid Of Being Alone If:

You Are Always In A Relationship: If you find yourself always in a relationship, you just might be afraid of being alone. But, you know what? There are worse things than being alone and that's being with the wrong person. It's better to be alone and be happy than to be with someone and be miserable, but you have to find your happiness.

The Back burner Boy- This is something I used to do when I was younger. I'm not voicing that it's right but this was just another trick to keep me from having to be alone. I would keep another guy on the back burner. I didn't exactly call it cheating, there wasn't anything physical but possibly emotional. So, when things didn't work out with the initial guy I would go to the back burner guy. I did this in my teenage and early college years. It's not healthy by any means.

Abusive Relationships- Many of us have been in abusive relationships. Why the hell do we stay in them? Because we get beat down to the point we think nobody else would want us? We are afraid to leave because we are fearful or is it just that we are so comfortable and we are afraid of being alone? Never settle.

The Wrong Person- You know there all kinds of wrong for you. You are even that compatible. You really aren't even sure that you like this person or could see yourself spending the rest of your life with them. The fear of being alone can land you in a sticky relationship with a person that is completely wrong for you, the sad part is...you know it.

Quick To Get Serious- When I was younger, it seemed that if I went out with someone on a date, I would end up in a serious relationship with them. This isn't healthy. It goes back to dating the wrong person. I wasn't very selective with the people I dated I just didn't want to be alone. Things would get real serious real fast and then, as usual, I would end up in a miserable relationship that pacified my sick comfort craving.











                                                                Learning To Be Alone


Learning to be alone is extremely healthy. You will never have a good, solid, strong relationship with anyone unless you have learned to be alone. You can't depend on other people to fill the voids that you have or to bypass the issues you need to deal with. Many people get obsessive about relationships because it takes the focus off of their own issues. If you do this, all you are doing is delaying the healing process. Learn to be alone, learn to be happy and learn to love yourself. Then, someone will truly be able to love you.


Don't Date For 6 Months- Try to go without dating for six months. I know it might be hard but it's time for some YOU time. During this time, you need to focus on your career, your goals, your health, your children and your happiness. It might be hard at first but you might come to find that you actually like it.

Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone- Go ahead and get out of your comfort zone. Do something different. Go take a few classes that interest you. Try to fill up your time so you won't be sitting at home thinking how lonely you are.

Make New Friends- There's nothing like having new friends. You can never have too many of the right friends. Get out and meet people. This might involved joining a club or going to church functions.

Date Several Different People- When you start dating people, date different people. Don't stick to your typical stereotypical date/man/woman. You might realize that you are missing out on some great people. Go against the grain a little bit.

Get Counseling- If you are struggling with some issues that push you to be in relationships to hide, get help. There's nothing wrong with admitting you need help. Actually, it takes the bigger person to voice that they need help. Start going to counseling and working on these issues. I don't recommend counseling and dating at the same time. You should probably go to therapy and work out some glitches before going back into the dating world.

Love Yourself- Most people that are afraid of being alone do not feel loved by anyone, including themselves. The only way to find true love is to learn how to love yourself. If you are going to therapy, this will push you in the right direction. Try positive affirmations. Tell yourself you are beautiful, smart and intelligent. Your word usage and positivity is very powerful.


You are not alone in being afraid of being alone. You don't have to be fearful anymore. There are just certain steps you need to take to get to that point in your life where you are comfortable alone. Keep faith and stay positive.

Signing Off,


(Please e-mail any questions to queen@thequeenofrelationships.com

        

You know, I couldn't count on my hands how many times I've been cheated on. You basically get to a point in your life when you start to expect it. It's easy to go numb after someone cheats on you or after you have been cheated on so many times. I think I tend to hide behind my single status rather than get into a relationship and have to worry about someone keeping their zipper up. So, do you think your girlfriend is cheating on you? Or, maybe you think your boyfriend is cheating on you?



The one thing I've learned in all my dating years it's "go with your gut". If you have a weird feeling that something might be going on, then it probably is. God didn't give us intuition for nothing. Listen to your inner feelings, don't push them to the side and ignore them. Of course, sometimes it's easier just to pretend that we don't see it because we feel like it's easier. You better confront that fool. If you don't, get then you better go inspector gadget on her ass. 
                                                                                            





Increase Interest In Working Out- Is he cheating on me? So, does your little pooky have a sudden interest in going to the gym and working out? Man, I should have seen that one coming but I didn't. Bastard. You think he was trying to look good for me? Well, hell no. Who even knows if he was even at the gym. He left fat and came back fat. Pfft. <end rant> Anyway, if your lover/partner, out of the blue, starts going to the gym and starts focusing on getting in shape-red flag.

 

Working Late- Is he cheating on me? All of a sudden ole Georgy Porgy is worried about the Steward account and he has to stay late for work, or does he/she? If your mate starts to get home late from work there might be some extra-curricular activities that involved handcuffs and screaming words that would make your mother cringe. You might need to pull out your "I SPY" kit and do a drive-by. Hey, this isn't stalking, you're just making sure that things are going accordingly.

 

Picking Fights- Is he cheating on me? Yeah, he picked a fight every single second. It wasn't even my fault. Why was he picking fights? Well, because he was banging someone else and felt guilty for it and he took it out on me. Pretty twisted, uh? Also, the more he banged her the more my flaws seem to shine; therefore, he started to pick me apart. Nothing I did was good enough, everything I said was wrong- I lost either way. If they start picking fights with you leaving you thinking wtf?, be concerned.

 

No Phone Calls- Is he cheating on me?So, she used to call you everyday. Anytime she sneezed, she made sure you knew about it. Well, the calls aren't really coming anymore. You know why? Because she's talking to someone else. All the time she used to spend talking to you has now been taken by someone else. "I've been busy". Oh, so we've been talking all the time for three years and all of a sudden you got busy? Don't play stupid. This calls for a mental bitchslap.

 

No More Attention- You jump out of the bedroom in a red teddy, he looks you up and down and finishes reading the newspaper. Yep, it's basically over. If he quits giving you attention then something is seriously up or err,down. You shouldn't have to beg for attention. I mean, that's why ya'll are together right? Because you enjoy one another's company. Well, doesn't look like it, uh? If your mate stops giving you the attention you're used to then there is probably some other huzzie getting that attention.




These are just a few signs to look for when trying to figure out if your mate is cheating on you. I would say the best thing to do is ask, but people lie. Not everyone is man/woman enough to admit their faults or end the relationship. Why people hang around in a relationship their not happy in is beyond me. Oh, unless you are paying his bills and his car note, that's a good reason to hang around.

Never take being cheated on personally. Yes, I know it's hard. Believe me, I've been there a dozen times. It's not about you, it's about them. Remember? "It's not you, it's me". Well, that little line holds some serious truth. It's not about the way you look, how fat you are, what your breathe smells like, or how could you kiss- obviously somewhere, somehow- he got bored. It seldom has anything to do with you and has everything to do with him/her. Their lack of control, their inability to commit, the wanting the cake and eating it too.


Just check it off as a favor. Better that it happened now than when your 90 and he's wheeling his wheel chair into someone else's room in the nursing home. Think of all that time you would have wasted on the ole geezer. Dust your boots off, keep your head up and keep going. There's a million people out there, half of them are crazy but there's bound to be one that fits you like a glove.

        

What's  worse than having to deal with a mamma's boy? It's having to deal with a mamma's boy and his mamma. What's worse than that? Dealing with a mamma's boy mother and father. You can only wish that when you get married, that you marry into a wonderful happy family. It's very seldom that this happens. Of course, some people are blessed with great in-laws and with that, they are very fortunate.


Listen, this isn't just about mamma's boys, it's also about daddy's little girl. I'm not bias when discussing the in-law issue. You will hear me say him, he, his, boy, dude, bastard- because I'm a woman and deal with the opposite sex. Know this, there is no prejudice with either sex when it comes to toxic in-laws. The world is full of men still nursing on their mother's tit and father's that are still holding on to their "little" girls.

The problem isn't with the in-laws. Yes, they are probably overbearing, controlling and straight up koo koo but the real issue lies within your partner. In-laws wouldn't be so 'in your face', nosy or controlling if your partner didn't allow it. They are getting their way because they can. If your partner tolerates any sort of outlandish behavior your relationship might be on the rocks.






                                                    The scary thing about toxic In-laws is:

You Don't Figure Out Their Crazy Until After The Wedding: Everyone puts on a pretty face. Just like you are in the honeymoon stage with your partner, you are also in the honeymoon stage with his family. Oh, you probably though they were the best in the beginning. It's very common to see the light once you say, " I do".  You probably didn't realize you were saying "I do" to a man that is still breast feeding.



Your Partner Doesn't See It- This is the crazy part. Look, he doesn't know any different b/c this is what he's always known. He's used to his mother being overbearing, "Oh, that's just how mother is". Even though it's far from normal, he doesn't seem to see the problem....which will be a major problem.



You Are A Threat- You probably weren't much of a threat before the two of you got married. You see, there have probably been several women in and out of their son's life. Once you said the vows and become one, this is when you pose a threat to the mother's precious little boy. Most toxic mother-in-laws wait until after the wedding to spit venom. Get ready.




Having Children- This is when I realize my "could have been" mother-in-law was the evil spawn of satan. I had an idea before but after I had my son this only validated it. At one point, she admitted that she thought my son was hers. Koo koo. Big events in life, you'll see who people really are. It just sucks that you have to wait until after the honeymoon is over, getting back to reality to only realize you married into a family of loons.








                                                    You Might Have Toxic In-Laws If:

• Your partner doesn't take a stand to his parents.
• You don't feel like the in-laws approve of you.
• You don't feel comfortable around the in-laws.
• Your in-laws are always trying to 'out do' you.
• No matter how hard you try, it's never good enough.
• You hate it when they visit.
• You dream about them dying.
• You argue a good bit about them with your partner.
• The in-laws suck the time and energy out of your life.
• Your in-laws meddle in every area of you and your partner's life.
• You feel like you are sharing your partner with his parents.
• The in-laws are always calling.
• You are frequently having to do things with them.
• Your partner believes his parents over you.
• Your partner still goes to his parents for advice, instead of you.
• You and your partner always fight when in-laws are around.
• You feel as if they are coming between you and your partner.

The only person that can stop this crazy "koo koo" cycle of In-law psychoness is your partner. He is the one that is eventually going to either have to cut off all ties or tell them where they can go. Your partner needs to understand that he is a big boy now, he doesn't need his parents approval anymore.


                                 What Your Partner Should Tell His Parents To Keep The Peace


When you disrespect my wife, you are disrespecting me. If you are going to continue to disrespect her then we will no longer be a part of your lives. I'm not talking about just her, that includes me also.

Please do not be invasive anymore. This is our house, not yours. You are welcome to come over but you must call before you come. If we feel like having company, we will let you know.

I have my own family now. I have a wife and children. This is NOT your life. You've done all you could do with raising me, now it's time to let me go. I appreciate your advise but I am going to things and make choices that me and my wife discuss first. So, please quit meddlin and being nosy and giving unwanted advice.

Just because I am married, it doesn't mean that I am no longer a part of your family. I will always be your son. You will always be my mother. No one will ever take your place. Please don't feel that because I am married that you are losing a son, you are just gaining a daughter.









If this doesn't work, then you might want to call Dr. Phil. Relationships are hard enough as it is. It doesn't seem to help when other people get thrown into the mix. Sometimes there's nothing you can do when it comes to toxic in-laws. But, you teach people how to treat you. If you allow them to walk all over you from the beginning, they will continue to do it. Stand your ground and take your peace. Stand up for you, your children and for the future of you and your partner's relationship.


Signing Off,

        

Mmmm, You know- I can't actually say that I've ever been in a long distance relationship. So, does that mean I'm not entitled to write about it? I actually have had several friends that have tried this. I've heard the stories, the glories and the gory details.

It always seems that most people that get into long distant relationships are afraid of commitment. This isn't always the case, but sometimes is. It's like an uncommitted, committed relationship. That's the best way to put it. Nonetheless, many people do and succeed at these kind of relationships, but they do have the cards stacked against them.


When you live so far from someone, you are in 'honeymoon' stage 24/7. You are unable to go through the phases of getting to know one another. You are unable to learn each other's mannerisms. You can be whoever you want to be on the phone, through e-mail and snail mail. The true test is when you come together, in the same town and start to go through the motions of a real relationship.


It's easy to be a dreamer in relationships like this. You can make believe and dream about the relationship in whatever way you like. It's mostly a fisod. Without having your partner to confirm certain ideas and actions, you can just make up the rest.


                                Ways Long Distance Relationships Can Stab You In The Back


You Avoid Real Problems- It's so easy to sweep everything underneath the rug in a long distance relationship. When you are together, you really don't want to take the time to address any problems because you want the visit to be pleasant for the short amount of time they are down. This puts you in the habit of not working out problems together, again they are just swept underneath the rug. This is a quick way to end any sort of relationship.

 

Compatibility Views- While you are here and he is there, have you ever taken the time to even think about what the two of you have in common? In long distance relationships, the two of you are really never together, so it's hard to identify the things that could possibly bring the two of you together or tear you apart. Living in the same town allows you to get the true 'run down' on each other. You could be spending months of your time dating someone you're not even compatible with.

 

Who Are You Really? Like I said before, living hours away from each other- do you really know who that other person is? In long distance relationships, you can be whoever you want when talking on the phone and on the computer. It's not until you come face-to-face do you start to realize who this person is that you are dating. It's so hard to hide flaws when living out of town. People can only hide them for so long but living hours away is an advantage to playing the part of the perfect gentleman.




Can it work? Of course. Long distance relationships can work if there is hard work and determination. BUT, you will eventually have to live in the same town. I mean, come people, you can't really be in a 'relationship' with someone out of town forever, right?  This is the only way you will know if you are truly meant for each other.


You can only make if:
Be yourself
Show your flaws
Be real
Communicate
Deal w/ conflicts


So, long distance relationships are very hard and trying. I think it's safe to say that a number of long distance relationships don't work. This is basically because most couples don't have to tools to make it work. Be dedicated and have open communication and you might just have yourself a good, solid relationship.

        

You've all heard of it and most of us have lived it or are living it. It's baby mama drama. Yeah, life sucks when things don't work out and the two of you split. You are left with this precious child and a great deal of resentment. Why didn't he try harder? Why did he have to leave? Why did he cheat? Why was I so stubborn? Why, What if, Maybe this- hey, it just didn't work.

There's nothing worse than breaking up with someone and having to deal with them for 18 more years. Kinda makes you wanna think twice before you sleep with someone. That's my rule of thumb- don't sleep with someone unless you can see yourself married to them with kids, because you're just THAT close to it. I get so sick of hearing about "baby mama drama", what about "baby petty daddy drama? Nah, you'll never hear about it. It's always us girls with the crazy, hormonal, psycho outbursts that put the drama in baby mama drama.


It's hard giving up your child for a certain amount of time b/c things didn't "work" out. Children should never have to go through being without either parent. But, it's just the way of life these days. People want the easy way out and the easy way for them ends up being the hardest way for the children. Yes, I know "It's better to have two happy families than one miserable one, right". I can't comment on that unless I know the situation. In most cases, people don't fight for it they just give up. 


                                                        Popular Ways To Cause Baby Mama Drama

• Stalk him at all possible hours, do drive-bys at work and at home 24/7.
• Start petty fights that have nothing to do with the children.
• Bitch about how he never gives back the children's clothing that you bought.
• Call him a worthless son of a no good father.
• Key "dead beat" into his vehicle.
• Tell your children that their fathers is worthless.
• Roll your eyes every time you see him.
• Don't communicate to him, do it through the children.
• Tell his new girlfriend he has herpes and that his Valtrex prescription is ready for pick up.
• Slash his tires.
• Don't let him see the children.
• Bring him up in every conversation about how he's no good for you and the children.
• Tell everyone he is gay.
• Move out of state and don't tell him.
• Take him to court every single chance you get.
• Tell him he was bad in bed.
• Always be late when picking up your children.
• Don't be home when he comes to pick up the children.

So, if you are wanting to cause "Baby Mama Drama", this is a great starter list. If you want to live a hectic life that is unpeaceful and full of conflict then follow this list to the "T". But, you probably aren't looking for ways to be that 'mama'. You are probably wanting things to die down and to be peaceful. It's hard to believe but in time, they will. It takes being mature ( I know, I hate to say it) and putting your own personal feelings aside to deal with someone you use to love but now hate.

It's all about being the bigger person, not only for you but for yourself. Constantly being in conflict will continue to keep the wound open. You will never be able to heal from this crazy relationship if you lash out and vent to the one you blame. It sucks, I know. Life. It's life. The first few years are very hard to adapt. With time and dedication, things will fall into place and you'll be in a spot in your life where things aren't so chaotic. Here is a list of things you can do to keep the drama out of the 'baby mama drama'
                                            



                                                  How To Take The Drama Out Of BABY MAMA DRAMA


Don't Be Consumed- Do not be consumed with this situation or this relationship. There is no longer a relationship. It's over. The longer you bitch and hang on, the longer it's going to hurt. Believe me, he's moved on and you should to. It never really was, it isn't and it won't be.

Don't Act Belligerent- Don't act belligerent around the new victim girlfriend. I know you want to knock her teeth out, but it's really not her fault. I would just say 'good luck'. Plus, this will be the woman that is going to be around your child. I would suggest killing her with kindness so she is nice to your children.

Don't Talk Trash- Don't talk unpleasant trash in front of your children about their father. Yes, it probably feels good for a brief moment but eventually you will feel bad about it. Realize what kind of impact this might have on your children. It will probably backfire and have them resenting you.

Pick Your Battles- You really need to pick your battles wisely. Don't fight about something just because you hate him. You really need to think about the issue and figure out if it's really worth getting into with him about it. Believe me, less is more.

Kill'm With Kindness- I really don't care if you are a hot mess on the verge of a mental break down, don't show it. He's the last person you want knowing you are a mess. Go along as if things are fine because even if they weren't,he probably wouldn't care. You have to take care of yourself now. He is no longer a part of your life. Kill him with kindness and go on about your day as if all things are great. Please hold back the tears until you are away from him.

Don't Attack- Never attack his position as a father. This is probably one of the worst things you could do and say. Remember, this is the father of your children. Even you are even seeing him, this probably means he is picking up the children. Think of all the dead beat dads out there that want nothing to do with their children. He might be a sore loser as far as a spouse goes but never go in the direction of bashing him as a father.

Short Talk- All conversation should be strictly about the children. There's really no need for any other sort of discussion. Don't continue to re-hash old thoughts or feelings. Remember, it's over- it's about the children. I know, it's okay to think "well, what about me?". You are human. To keep the peace, strike out personal conversation.

Returning Calls- Now isn't the time to play head games. "Oh, I'm not going to call him back". You can't do that anymore, it might be a serious call about your child. Make sure you return all calls in a timely manner.

Best Interest Of Child- Well, now it's all about the child. It went from being about you and him to your child. This is a very hard transition. It's hard for hear him say he doesn't want to talk about anything but your child because you are still there. You have feelings. 9 times out of 10, he really doesn't care. All things should now be for the best interest of the child, not 'your' best interest. You have to be selfless. If you still have feelings for him, it's normal to feel a little jealous that your child gets to spend so much time with him and he doesn't even want you.

Keep In Contact- Be sure to keep in contact about all information regarding medical, school and personal issues having to do with your child. If you have joint custody, then it is required by law to inform the other parent what is going on. Sometimes it's hard to remember that you have to report to someone else because they are no longer around and it's basically 'out of sight, out of mind'.

Clothing- This is probably the most aggravating and the most common. What is so hard about giving the clothes back that your child wore to go to his Dad's? Why can't he tell the difference between the clothes that he bought and the clothes that you bought? I think it's a man thing. Try to always be persistent about giving the clothes back of his and tell him to do the same.

Step Mom- Go ahead and get ready for this. Read books, journal, vent, cry, scream and then eat ice scream. Eventually, it's going to happen. Someone else is going to be mothering your children. In certain cases, we always hope that the next girl he picks is psycho and neurotic but ...in this case, not a good idea. This will be the person around your children and you better pray that she is easy to get along with and is nurturing.



 Take a deep breathe. It's going to be okay. It's not the end of the world. It's just a stupid curve ball from that thing called life. Things will and do get better. Never wish bad things on him. Wish him all the happiest and you're more likely to get the same.




Signing Out,